I wasn’t sure what being really alone would feel like, being shut out from him. Since saying goodbye it hadn’t really hit me. We have lived a life where he has constantly travelled, cricket was life and touring was a given. Daddy’s at cricket, it’s easy to forget. Today has been different, I have been strong, I have been brave but today I feel weak, I feel small and I feel alone.
There are words that ring in my ear, that the girls and I don’t need to worry about anything and that they will always come first. These words should give comfort in something so painful yet that’s far from how life is feeling for us right now. I’m constantly reminded that the team of people who were once there for us both are no longer my friends but my enemy. The words trust no one, have become true and I’m reminded that while he has a team of people around him, protecting him, making life for him easy, I do not.
I wish the words that came from his mouth were true, yet how can they be after being lied to for so long. If anything I have learnt they mean nothing, so why is it so hard to believe.
I feel proud of the mother I am, I work hard to do whatever is necessary to care for and protect my children. They will always be my first and only priority. My words and my actions are the same, no amount of advice or people will tell me how to go about this. We wanted to do it our way, what worked for us and our children yet I’m the only one remembering that.
How is it so easy, to make decisions so hurtful and expect life to just go on like normal. Why am I made to feel so small when my job here with our children should mean so much more.