Alone

I wasn’t sure what being really alone would feel like, being shut out from him. Since saying goodbye it hadn’t really hit me. We have lived a life where he has constantly travelled, cricket was life and touring was a given. Daddy’s at cricket, it’s easy to forget. Today has been different, I have been strong, I have been brave but today I feel weak, I feel small and I feel alone.

There are words that ring in my ear, that the girls and I don’t need to worry about anything and that they will always come first. These words should give comfort in something so painful yet that’s far from how life is feeling for us right now. I’m constantly reminded that the team of people who were once there for us both are no longer my friends but my enemy. The words trust no one, have become true and I’m reminded that while he has a team of people around him, protecting him, making life for him easy, I do not.

I wish the words that came from his mouth were true, yet how can they be after being lied to for so long. If anything I have learnt they mean nothing, so why is it so hard to believe.

I feel proud of the mother I am, I work hard to do whatever is necessary to care for and protect my children. They will always be my first and only priority. My words and my actions are the same, no amount of advice or people will tell me how to go about this. We wanted to do it our way, what worked for us and our children yet I’m the only one remembering that.

How is it so easy, to make decisions so hurtful and expect life to just go on like normal. Why am I made to feel so small when my job here with our children should mean so much more.

 

24 thoughts on “Alone

  1. Yes i totally understand how you feel. One thing i have learnt from my experience is the journey after ones betrayal is definately a roller coaster of emotions. You are not alone xx

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  2. Poor thing. So healing I hope sharing honestly. Bl**dy wa**ker such a betrayal. You thought you had a man of integrity / whose actions on the outside matched his intentions on the inside… but his ego & the appeal of the other side of what makes a man a real man… got to him & he let you all down. The memories won’t go quickly. So I pray you find your new village & stay well in your own soul.
    X

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  3. You are right in every line that you’ve written. It isn’t fair. You shouldn’t feel alone and small. You didn’t ask for this. It absolutely isn’t fair that he has his “team” around him, protecting him… but you will as much as you’ve probably heard this and the words lay flat on the floor when you hear them… you will, you will be stronger for this.
    You will know yourself more for this. You will live deeper because of this and the depth of joy and love that you will be able to experience because of this will be your saving grace. Just take it one minute, one hour , one day at a time. You’ll be okay the moments of feeling small will fade… new things will happen, new people , new places , new feelings , new joys . So rest now let your heart heal. Give yourself the time to move through this and the other side will be like nothing you imagined and all in good real genuine good.

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  4. Oh darling, you will get through this. One day, you’ll wake up and you’ll see the sunlight through the cracks in your blinds, a stillness and calmness in your soul that no doubt feels like it will never come. You’ll notice yourself laughing, and wonder where that came from – a happy place that feels so foreign. You’ll be drinking a glass of wine with your girlfriends and be glad that you don’t need to worry about where he is, or what he’s doing and with who. Stay in your magic baby. One single, seperated, cheated on wife/mother to another, this too shall pass x

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    1. Leah, thank you so much for you comment, I can’t wait for the fog to lift, I feel like with each day it gets better and I’m starting to feel the weight lift off my shoulders (as much as a single mum who does it all can). Lots of love x

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  5. Thank you for sharing your journey. Living your authentic truth is so important for your own mental well being. I am 18months into this roller coaster hell, also the mother of two girls who have kept me afloat and stopped me from sinking. I think the ‘flight’ would have won over ‘fight’ had I not had them. It’s been the most isolating and traumatising experience of my life, but little by little I am coming out the other side. Sometimes the progress is so slow you don’t think it is happening. Sorry you joined the club no one wants to join. I was so naive about infidelity before all this. It totally is not fair…even when you feel like you are in your weakest moment you are strong. It just doesn’t feel like it. Keep writing!!

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    1. Suse, thankyou so much for you comment, im so greatful for msgs like this, it makes me so confident and confirms why I decided to write and share my journey with others. Sending love x

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  6. I am sure it’s tough on you but the way you are handling it is truly inspirational. May God give you all the strength required and hope you come across your mr.perfect,someone who understands and loves you for who you are.
    God bless you and keep blogging.

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  7. Mel, you are a very special soul. To share yourself like this, despite your pain, so others don’t feel alone, is a testament to the light, strength and love you carry within you. Having experienced something similar to you, only a few months before your own world was turned upside down, I can imagine how each day right now is a challenge – from just getting up each morning to face the day, to not knowing anymore what the future holds for you and your beautiful children.

    From the bottom of my heart, thank you for reaching out like this. Know that you’re not alone, as much as it can feel that way on the worst days. During your recovery, love will come to you from so many directions. I am still in a fog of grief myself, but only a few months ahead of you on this tough mental, physical, emotional and spiritual journey, and I am already starting to see some small glimpses of relief and light that give me hope.

    I send you a lot of love. Please take care of yourself. XOXOX

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    1. Ellie, thank you so much for this comment. It’s such a long hard road and your right we will come out ontop and stronger once the storm clears! I’m so glad my blog has helped you even if its in the smallest amount, I wish you lots of love on your road to finding happiness and the love you deserve! Xx

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  8. Mel, you are doing really well. I’m only a few months into my journey but it feels like a never ending nightmare. My husband who left also has his support team- they are cleaning, cooking and housing him like a teenager. I feel alone too but I keep reminding myself there are worse things in life and that I’m the lucky one- I get to cuddle my kids everyday. Hopefully one day these walkers will feel lonely and realise what they have given up- its their great loss. Surround yourself with friends, family and people that know and love you. This blog has helped me not to feel so alone. Remember there is always a sun behind the dark clouds we can only see now but one day the wind will blow these dark clouds away xoxo

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  9. Mel Your pain is so real and raw at the moment and I know you don’t believe it at the moment but you will get better and the best thing is you have your gorgeous girls I have been there done that and you will come out the other side a much better and confident and capable person Love

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    1. Thanks so much Judith for your msg! I feel as though with each day it gets better and there is so much around the corner for us! Everyones reassurance makes me that much stronger! X

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  10. Dear Mel,
    I hav only just stumbled onto ur blog. It is th first time I hav ever read someone writing about what I experienced 18yrs ago. Th shame, th humiliation, complete betrayal, no, worse….an ambush, total abandonment, and then emptiness, th need to rebuild, ur heart, ur soul, ur dreams….it was all taken. I love it that u are writing a blog, it shows such inner strength, integrity, foresight. I remember saying to myself, I can’t wait till 5 years from now….the pain won’t be so hard. Five years came, and I still needed more time. Thank u for being you, and sharing your life and soul, your words are helping so many xxx

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  11. Your vulnerability in your writing is refreshing. The world needs what is real, no faking it. Love your work lady. Keep at it. x

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