Fake it until I make it…

For the past few months comments I seem to get a alot is how strong I am, how amazingly I am coping, and most people can’t understand why I’m not curdled up in a ball, in the corner on the floor. I appreciate those comments, but the truth is those people see the best of me. They see the fake me, the part of me thats on show, the part that tells myself to smile even if its fake because eventually that fake smile will turn into the real thing and my pain will lessen.

Its funny how people think if you smile and post a few photos on social media you must be doing great. When in-fact people who know the real me would know thats just my way of coping. If I stop and let the reality of whats happened really sink in I’m not sure I will be able to get back up. I need to be up, up looking after two girls. Showing them that no matter what life throws at us, we can get through anything with dignity, grace and courage.

If I could go back in time and change things I would. I would do lots of things differently. It may not have changed the outcome of my situation in this very moment, but I would try. If I could go back in a moment and start again, take it back, I would. Why? because I didn’t ask for this, this wasn’t the way my life was suppose to be. He was my forever, he was my whole world. Until the very end I was 100% devoted to our life and I loved every part of him and our world. This was like a bomb, it went off from behind. I had to deal with in a very public, humiliating and confronting way. A part of me died.

Every day I go through the same questions in my mind. Im still not sure what I ever did. why was I not enough? What did I ever do to him? Was it that I did to much or not enough? Is it because I put on weight? Because sometimes I really couldn’t be bothered shaving my legs or doing my hair? There are just so many questions I will never get the answers to. Things I will regret. Moments I reply over and over in my head and think, what if.

The pain is real and deep. The moments when my kids cry for him is like a dagger into my heart. When they lay next to me and wipe away my tears, I want to hold them so close and never let go, because they and I don’t deserve it. I have genuine fears that keep me awake at night for the future. How will I ever do this on my own and how will I ever give my children what we promised them as a family. I have never loved someone and hated them so much at the same time. I have this feeling of being so hurt and broken inside, yet the only person who right now could possibly mend my heart is the same person who broke it to start with.

I will continue to smile though. I will continue to laugh and make every moment mean something. I will continue to fake it because eventually it won’t be fake and I will make it out the other side stronger.

30 thoughts on “Fake it until I make it…

  1. You will be happy again, and the kind of happy that is deep in your soul πŸ™‚

    It’s not about the hair, weight and shaved legs. A person full of love and kindness sees beyond that. So let her have him, as perhaps he has become a person you no longer know. You got the best of him & with his ego she will eventually be thrown aside for someone else

    You will make it through, just keep taking things day by day. Enjoy the simple moments. One day you will be happy he left (you might think now that it will never happen…but it will even if years from now)

    xx

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  2. Wow. The part about loving and hating someone at the same time really got to me. My former partner’s lies all came out in December too and I’m still consumed with so much anger for him, but mourning the loss of what (I thought?) we had. I’ve torn my hair out in frustration trying to reason with how someone can lie to the person they say they love. Feel your feelings. You’re not alone.

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  3. Don’t worry maybe in the future you will see that things weren’t to he forever. You may have another soul mate coming along in the future. Life changes all the time and you shouldn’t rest all your happiness on having a partner. You can be happy on your own with your girls. Get a dog for company. Better than any boyfriend I’ve ever had! πŸ˜‚ All the best xx

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  4. To anybody who feels absolutely wrecked, heartbroken and confused. Google narcissistic personality disorder. It’s not you.

    You are enough πŸ™Œ

    You can and will recover when you empower yourself with the facts.

    When you do, you’ll see that the only person who can mend your heart is you. The person who broke you can’t be the person to fix you. Remember that πŸ’–

    Keep smiling and speaking your truth as the truth shall set you free 😊

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  5. The genuine and very raw vulnerability in your words is courage and bravery in its truest form. Your words will not only inspire, they will comfort so many, as there is nothing quite as powerful as one reading words on a page that make them suddenly feel that little bit less alone, that little bit more normal, that little bit less frightened. You are correct, fake it till you make it…..”The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you”…..but that face can be so damn hard at times.

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  6. It’s just gut wrenching… a pain that runs deep right through your body right? I have also found out 8 weeks ago my husband has been having an affair with a girl 17years younger then him from his work. To say the ground has been ripped beneath my two gorgeous children and i’s feet doesn’t even cut it. I never even knew you could feel a pain and hurt like this especially caused from the one you loved most, your best friend. I thought our marriage was a life time commitment- well to me it was. I too am finding it extremely difficult when my almost 5yr old asks questions and I am having to constantly make up excuses for his Fathers behaviour.. sometimes I just cry. I feel so many people are in the same boat with the chaos of work, mortgages, young children and balancing it all to allow together and alone time amongst it all. It’s a shame not all men talk about what they are feeling before it gets to this. The struggle is so real and I cannot imagine living like this without him forever. I too regret things in our relationship and wish I could change things or at least have the opportunity to. I also wish these awful woman who go near married men did not exist- women are meant to stand and stick together. I wish you and your beauties strength, happiness & comfort in your heart from here on in πŸ’›πŸ’›πŸ’›

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    1. Thank you for you msg, I’m sorry your going through this horrible journey too. Unless you have experienced it you will never know the feeling. Your kids are lucky to have you and your stronger then you will ever know. Sending so much love your way! Xx

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  7. Thanks for sharing your story. It takes so much courage to be vulnerable and real, particularly in a world obsessed with creating an image of perfection. I hope your journey will restore your faith in love.

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  8. I went through A similar thing in 2013. My partner and I had a beautiful 2 yo son, we just bought our first home. We had just got back from a wonderful holiday and then my partner left. Had a thing going on with one of his customers. He just ended it all. Became this different person. 7 years of love and happiness over in a blink of an eye. No explanation. Still to this day I have no explanation. I felt lost, sad, hatred, dispair. This wasn’t meant to be my life. I wanted answers. The anger though was the worst. But I too had to put a smile on for my son. Keep him protected and loved. Long story short, it took about 2 years of me always being the better person, not engaging in the shit and turning the other cheek. I didn’t let he anger take over me. But after about 2 years my ex and I started co parenting wonderfully. He still drives me mad at times because I find him incredibly selfish and his career / business always comes first and he still lies but I don’t let it creep into my life. 12 months after he first left I met my now husband. We have a beautiful 4 month old. We own 2 more properties. He adores my son like his own. I can honestly say my world now is a million times better. I know you probably can’t see this just yet and nor do you probably want to but life can be so much grander. Some tools I used to get through was counselling, surrounding myself with friends, throwing myself into motherhood, taking care of myself even though I would spend most nights sobbing in the shower, and writing a daily gratitude journal and visualising my happiness without him. It’s hard. I know. But we women are resilient. Take care

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    1. Kat, thank you for writing to me, thank you for sharing your tools you used to get you through your horrible chapter in life. So thrilled for you now and I’m so glad you found happeniess, I can’t wait to find mine! X

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  9. It sounds like there are quite a few of us in this situation. I found out 10 months ago that my husband was having an affair and i still ask myself all the questions you have raised Mel. I look at our photos of good times and think how does something go so horribly wrong. How does someone move out of one house after 17 years and move straight in to another without thinking how that could affect 2 young boys. I havent just lost my husband but our family and his family as they dont bother to check on me or talk to me. I survive by having some really good friends that helo me out when times are tough. And your right people see you posting all the happy times on social media but it is a coping mechanism and the ones that know you best know the absolute heartbreak, pain and how broken you feel. I wish i didnt have feel angry and hurt but ive been told its a process i have to go through. You are strong and you are good enough!

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  10. Thank you for sharing your story Mel. You are brave. You are real. And….you will heal.
    I know what it feels likes to be cheated on. That gut wrenching moment when you know on some deep profound level, nothing will be the same again.
    Wonderful supporting family and friends help ease the pain, but they cant take away that heartache. That blow to the heart honestly takes time to mend.
    I wish you and your gorgeous girls all the best with your new exciting journey.
    Hold your head high and sending you loads of positive vibes your way xx

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  11. I’m amazed by how much I identify with your words. My husband left two months ago and I wonder the exact same things- is it because I put on weight, my thinning hair, didn’t dress nicely, pay enough attention to him or not give him enough freedom? We have to remember that none of this is our fault, that our husband made the cowardly and selfish decision to run away rather than stay and work as a team when things got tough.

    Everyone seems to have confidence that I will be fine as a single mum of two young kids and although I did do 95% of managing the home and kids even when he was around, I too feel uncertain about my new future. The person who leaves often has more me time too, which makes me angry.

    We are so lucky to have two beautiful healthy and happy kids. We will stay strong, positive and present for them and get through this. xx

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    1. I’m sorry to hear about your marriage, and your right the future and the unknown is so scary. I hope you find happiness like never before, your children are lucky to have you, and we are super lucky to have them that’s for sure! Thank you for the msg xx

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  12. β€œWhat others say and do says more about them than it does about you, and what you say and do says more about you than it does about them”

    His deceit, lies and behaviour says everything about him and nothing about you. Nothing you could have said or done will change that, no weight loss or perfectly shaved legs.

    His actions have given you insight into his true character. You are better off without him dispite how much pain you are in right now.

    Ride the waves of emotion and in due course you will be stronger and braver than ever before, a shining light of an example to your girls.

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  13. You are perfect just the way you are Mel and I know your two girls believe that too. You can make it! Just take one step at a time, set yourself small goals and you will get there.
    Always remember
    You are braver than you believe,
    Stronger than you seem,
    Smarter than you think,
    And loved more than you know.

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  14. What is it about the ego of sportsmen? I’m so very sorry for your heartbreak, I won’t say your loss because I think you have now seen a side to this man, a side that is shallow, deceitful, careless and reckless. Who plays with another heart? who willingly breaks another heart? Never ask questions about yourself, your heart, your appearance, anything!! You gave this man 2 beautiful children, your heart your soul and you strength. Shame on him for thinking it’s ok to throw you away like yesterdays newspaper.

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  15. This is not about you. And no he can no longer mend your heart. You must do this for yourself. He is an immature man, lacking in commitment, who thought the grass was greener on the other side. He threw you and his girls away for a pretty face. He has damaged you all. He has rocked you and your girls stability and belief in relationships. He is a liar and a cheat. Do not see yourself through his eyes. He is blind to what he had in you. Someone who was committed to him and loved all of him. Someone who bore his children and cared for them to the best of her ability. Just because he did not value what you gave him does not mean that what you gave is not valuable. You need to now grow into a person who knows her self worth and will not give up herself for a man or see herself through his eyes. A man who truly loves will not see the hairy legs and a few extra kg’s on someone who has created his children. Your beauty shines loud and clear. He will be a very sorry man one day, once the novelty of a few pretty faces wears off and he realises the superficiality and hollowness of his existence.

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  16. Wow, you described exactly how I’m feeling…the forever and the bomb… my husband and I have been together for 17 years and he told me he’s done with us…no proper reasoning or even a chance to rectify…thinking of you. X

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