For the past few months comments I seem to get a alot is how strong I am, how amazingly I am coping, and most people can’t understand why I’m not curdled up in a ball, in the corner on the floor. I appreciate those comments, but the truth is those people see the best of me. They see the fake me, the part of me thats on show, the part that tells myself to smile even if its fake because eventually that fake smile will turn into the real thing and my pain will lessen.
Its funny how people think if you smile and post a few photos on social media you must be doing great. When in-fact people who know the real me would know thats just my way of coping. If I stop and let the reality of whats happened really sink in I’m not sure I will be able to get back up. I need to be up, up looking after two girls. Showing them that no matter what life throws at us, we can get through anything with dignity, grace and courage.
If I could go back in time and change things I would. I would do lots of things differently. It may not have changed the outcome of my situation in this very moment, but I would try. If I could go back in a moment and start again, take it back, I would. Why? because I didn’t ask for this, this wasn’t the way my life was suppose to be. He was my forever, he was my whole world. Until the very end I was 100% devoted to our life and I loved every part of him and our world. This was like a bomb, it went off from behind. I had to deal with in a very public, humiliating and confronting way. A part of me died.
Every day I go through the same questions in my mind. Im still not sure what I ever did. why was I not enough? What did I ever do to him? Was it that I did to much or not enough? Is it because I put on weight? Because sometimes I really couldn’t be bothered shaving my legs or doing my hair? There are just so many questions I will never get the answers to. Things I will regret. Moments I reply over and over in my head and think, what if.
The pain is real and deep. The moments when my kids cry for him is like a dagger into my heart. When they lay next to me and wipe away my tears, I want to hold them so close and never let go, because they and I don’t deserve it. I have genuine fears that keep me awake at night for the future. How will I ever do this on my own and how will I ever give my children what we promised them as a family. I have never loved someone and hated them so much at the same time. I have this feeling of being so hurt and broken inside, yet the only person who right now could possibly mend my heart is the same person who broke it to start with.
I will continue to smile though. I will continue to laugh and make every moment mean something. I will continue to fake it because eventually it won’t be fake and I will make it out the other side stronger.